Haven't wrote anything a while, hey? I've been keeping myself busy from the current world which I'm trying to understand.
The BIG question here is, "What's wrong with me recently?"
I am in serious trouble! I can't understand myself anymore. I am turning into someone I, myself hate. I'm becoming the old me. The one with really short temper, loose mouth and the worst part, I think after I talk.
Recently, I kept a lot to myself, that's why I haven't been writing anymore. I keep telling myself I am strong. A strong girl. I can't cry. I told myself not to cry. NO more tears Hajar! Please! Don't be so weak! Now you need to be stronger , not weaker! Every time you cry, you cause trouble to a lot of people. No more please. Every time you cry, you get weaker and weaker! Stop it! It's not wrong to cry, but if it's to much, it's not good too.
These few days, this kind of monologues happens. Depends on the situation. I keep spacing out into my own world, separating myself from others. I like to keep myself in a corner where no one could ever touch.
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I want myself to be happy. I keep telling myself that I need to be happy first in order for the people around me to be a happy. But how can I? It's not that difficult Hajar! It's not!
Hajar, what cause you to be like this?
I don't know. I just don't know anymore. Too much things built up this feelings that it reaches it maximum capacity that it just overflow. Like a volcano, as it reached it's time to erupt, yes! Thats how it is.
So, are you just gonna cry there and do nothing?
Of course not! But I just can't figure out what's wrong with me anymore! I feel LOST! I lost myself. I lost ME! I feel empty inside! and the scary part is, I feel a lot of negativity inside me. No more positive! No more confidence! I can't do this anymore. I keep telling myself, (2:286) , yes! Allah will not burden a soul except within it capacity. Yes I know that!
But then, why are you behaving like a baby then?Why are you killing yourself from the inside?Why are you doing this to yourself?!!
I DON'T KNOW!!! I just don't know it myself. I just don't know, ok! I can't figure it out. My heart keep hurting, it just wont listen to me anymore. It listens to no one. It's as hard as a rock! It's suits my name I guess. Hurm.. My head is hurting. Too much.. I guess I need to stop for now. I need help to change myself, and I can't do it alone especially when you're stranded in the middle of nowhere in this world.
You can Hajar. Step-by-step. Istiqamah is the crucial part. You need to be constant in doing everything and modest! As long as your heart set to it, you can! I know you can! No one says it's easy, but bi iznillah, you'll make it till the end! Be strong. Allah test you for a reason, not to make you suffer. Aim for Jannah! Not the Dunya! Dunya is only temporary!
Hurm.. I can't trust anyone anymore, not even myself. *sobs*
Hajar..Hajar..Hajar..You have Allah, whenever, wherever you want Him. He never ever left your side. Pray dearie. He loves you. Trust Him. Believe in Him.
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This is what happens sometimes especially when i'm spacing out. Just a major breakdown in me. Nothing better to do, just having breakdown. Breakdown after breakdown, after breakdown. I feel pathetic. But then I need to stop this. And put this to an end. It's gonna take time, but I guess it's better than nothing.
You know guys, sometime we may see that person is all happy pappy from her/his Facebook's status, or his/her smile or anything that appears to your naked eyes. Don't judge a book by its cover and don't judge people. Because you never know, what and how is someone else's past, present and future. You never know what they are going through in their life.
Sorry for taking your time reading this nonsense. Just wanna let it out of my chest.
Assalamualaikum.
Janji Allah itu pasti. Daijyobu!
1 comments:
keep holding on xx
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