just a dream

Assalamualaikum.

semalam mimpi. tapi tak tau nak kata mimpi buruk ke tak. bangun-bangun tido terus nangis. da tak dapat pikir da adab bangun tido sebab mimpi buruk. selalunye tak ingat the whole mimpi, tapi mimpi semalam masih segar dalam ingatan. takut. astaghfirullah alazim. mimpi mainan syaitan, Hajar! oh well, it's just a dream i guess. a mere dream. don't think about this much. it has nothing to do with your life anymore. (full stop)

in the end, it's just a dream.

Salam Maulidur rasul 1433H.

Ya Allah, rindunya pada yang jauh dimata tapi dekat di hati. Ya Allah, Letakkanlah baginda ditempat yang terpuji Ya Allah, sepertimana yang Engkau telah janjikan. Amin.

Ya Rasulullah, aku rindu. Selamat Hari Lahir wahai Muhammad ibn Abdullah. 12 Rabiul awal tahun gajah. Kelahiranmu membawa INFINITY makna. Tiada kata yang boleh menggambarkan rasa rindu di hati ini.

Salam Maulidur rasul 1433H.

Microbio versus Black Bottom Cupcakes

Sambil menulis post, sambil mendengar ikim.fm. Rindu dengar orang bercakap Bahasa Melayu sepenuhnya. (◕ ‿ ◕✿)

Next week will be my first midterm of the winter term. 

Biomedical Science 210

i.e. Microbiology

ohooo.. the chapter 2 title is funny tho:

A journey to the microbial world 

Macam travel-travel tengok zoo microbes (◕ ‿ ◕✿)

Then, serabut-serabut dengan microbio x abis study, sempat lagi nak baking-baking.

For me, if food vs. books, or anything vs. food,

FOOD is the WINNER.

♥ ♥ ♥ BLACK BOTTOM CUPCAKES ♥ ♥ ♥

Kalo nak resepi, click sini.

Sorry gambar x clear. Hahaha.. Chocolate cupcakes + philadelphia cheese in the middle.

Nyum nyum nyum..

*Experiment ended in success*

Nak bawak untuk usrah malam ni. Hope they'll like it. If not, more for me then. 

(◕ ‿ ◕)v

Not forgetting, Chloe came to help but in the end, she made 

PEANUT BUTTER COOKIES.

haha.. semua orang kalah dengan makanan.

But it doesn't mean we live to eat, we eat to live. Remember that. 

Makan biar berpada-pada. Jangan melebihi kemampuan perut. :P

Apa-apapun, cooking + baking makes me happy. 

My happy place other than my room is the kitchen.

Experimenting with food + recipes.

Loving it.

  (◕ ‿ ◕✿)

From the happy moment review,

Hajar.

ohooo...

May peace be upon you!

Recently, I've been going to cloud 9. Ahaks. Something wrong with my english. Sentence structure? Vocabulary? Grammar? For crying out loud, don't think about it. Just enjoy the moment, but take care of your heart.

To my heart content,
Me.

*mode: Watching Disney's movies.

To you

I think.

I'll wait till we graduate or i graduate, ok?

(^_^)v

or till you think it's time.

either way, I will wait.

We are meant to be, if we are meant to be.

For the mean time,

Let's prepare what we need to prepare.

To: Mr Unknown destined by Allah :D

air...

Minggu ni sangat kecewa.


Kecewa dengan diri sendiri.


Kecewa dengan sikap negatif.


Kenapa masih menangis?


Kenapa masih menoreh luka lama yang semakin pulih?


Kenapa masih mengalirkan air mata yang tiada makna?


Kenapa?


Kerana aku  seorang yang sangat lemah.


Lemah yang aku rasa diri ini tersangatlah tidak berguna.


Apa air mata tu boleh buat?


Apa yang boleh perasaan lemah itu lakukan?


Adakah aku seorang hamba yang tidak bersyukur?


Ya Allah, jauhkan aku dari sifat itu. 


I need to get up. 


And keep myself up. 


Ya Allah, do give me strength.


Jika manusia memandangku sebegitu, biarlah. Aku redha.


Asalkan aku ada Mu , Ya Allah.


Itu sudah cukup bagiku.

Daijyobu!

Assalamualaikum.


Haven't wrote anything a while, hey? I've been keeping myself busy from the current world which I'm trying to understand.


The BIG question here is, "What's wrong with me recently?"


I am in serious trouble! I can't understand myself anymore. I am turning into someone I, myself hate. I'm becoming the old me. The one with really short temper, loose mouth and the worst part, I think after I talk.


Recently, I kept a lot to myself, that's why I haven't been writing anymore. I keep telling myself I am strong. A strong girl. I can't cry. I told myself not to cry. NO more tears Hajar! Please! Don't be so weak! Now you need to be stronger , not weaker! Every time you cry, you cause trouble to a lot of people. No more please. Every time you cry, you get weaker and weaker! Stop it! It's not wrong to cry, but if it's to much, it's not good too.


These few days, this kind of monologues happens. Depends on the situation. I keep spacing out into my own world, separating myself from others. I like to keep myself in a corner where no one could ever touch.

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I keep saying this to myself for a while. "I'm ok. I'm ok" Then I smile. How long can I keep up to this? Am I really fine? Am I really happy? I just don't know anymore. I just can't recognize myself in the mirror anymore. Who is that girl staring at me in the mirror?


I want myself to be happy. I keep telling myself that I need to be happy first in order for the people around me to be a happy. But how can I? It's not that difficult Hajar! It's not!


Hajar, what cause you to be like this?


I don't know. I just don't know anymore. Too much things built up this feelings that it reaches it maximum capacity that it just overflow. Like a volcano, as it reached it's time to erupt, yes! Thats how it is.


So, are you just gonna cry there and do nothing?


Of course not! But I just can't figure out what's wrong with me anymore! I feel LOST! I lost myself. I lost ME! I feel empty inside! and the scary part is, I feel a lot of negativity inside me. No more positive! No more confidence! I can't do this anymore. I keep telling myself, (2:286) , yes! Allah will not burden a soul except within it capacity. Yes I know that!


But then, why are you behaving like a baby then?Why are you killing yourself from the inside?Why are you doing this to yourself?!!


I DON'T KNOW!!! I just don't know it myself. I just don't know, ok! I can't figure it out. My heart keep hurting, it just wont listen to me anymore. It listens to no one. It's as hard as a rock! It's suits my name I guess. Hurm.. My head is hurting. Too much.. I guess I need to stop for now. I need help to change myself, and I can't do it alone especially when you're stranded in the middle of nowhere in this world.


You can Hajar. Step-by-step. Istiqamah is the crucial part. You need to be constant in doing everything and modest! As long as your heart set to it, you can! I know you can! No one says it's easy, but bi iznillah, you'll make it till the end! Be strong. Allah test you for a reason, not to make you suffer. Aim for Jannah! Not the Dunya! Dunya is only temporary!


Hurm.. I can't trust anyone anymore, not even myself. *sobs*


Hajar..Hajar..Hajar..You have Allah, whenever, wherever you want Him. He never ever left your side. Pray dearie. He loves you. Trust Him. Believe in Him.

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This is what happens sometimes especially when i'm spacing out. Just a major breakdown in me. Nothing better to do, just having breakdown. Breakdown after breakdown, after breakdown. I feel pathetic. But then I need to stop this. And put this to an end. It's gonna take time, but I guess it's better than nothing.

You know guys, sometime we may see that person is all happy pappy from her/his Facebook's status, or his/her smile or anything that appears to your naked eyes. Don't judge a book by its cover and don't judge people. Because you never know, what and how is someone else's past, present and future. You never know what they are going through in their life. 

Sorry for taking your time reading this nonsense. Just wanna let it out of my chest. 

Assalamualaikum.

Janji Allah itu pasti. Daijyobu!